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One of the things I’ve always liked about Christmas is the singing of Christmas Carols. My earliest memories of singing Christmas Carols at primary school were of the whole school going into the assembly hall and singing carols, with the words provided thanks to the schools overhead projector and some acetate sheets.
Whilst I enjoyed (and still do enjoy) listening to and singing good old traditional Christmas songs, I also remember that I used to find the alternative lyrics, that somehow all kids end up knowing, quite amusing. So, in honour of those funny lyrics, here are my favourite messed about with Christmas songs, but if you know any others, then please leave them in a comment on this post!
Good King Wenceslas
This was one of the carols that you could even mess around with when singing the correct lyrics, over emphasising the Brrrr when it got to “bring me flesh and bring me wine“. There were also plenty of giggles with “heat was in the very sod” since sod was sort of a swear word. Anyway, here is the alternate version:-
In his cabbage garden,
Bumped into a Brussels Sprout,
And said I beg your pardon.
Jingle Bells
There are several variations to this one, but the one I remember best is:-
Robin laid an egg,
The Batmobile lost its wheel,
On the Motorway.
While Shepherds Watch Their Flocks By Night
You surely can’t fail to remember this one…
All seated round the tub,
The angel of the Lord came down,
And gave them all a scrub.
Little Drummer Boy
Actually, I don’t think you need to change the lyrics with this one to get school kids sniggering.
We Three Kings of Orient Are
Another favourite that everybody seemed to know…
One in a taxi, one in a car,
One on a scooter, blowing his hooter,
Wearing his girlfriends bra.
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I remember a couple of those too, but with differing lyrics:
Good King Wenceslas
Good King Wenceslas looked out,
from his bedroom window,
Silly bugger he fell out,
On a red-hot cinder.
Brightly shone his bum that night,
Though the frost was cruel.
blah, blah, blah (don’t remember the last bit…)
Jingle Bells
Jingle bells, Batman smells,
Robin flew away,
Kojak lost his lollipop,
And found it the next day.
I’ve not heard that version of Good King Wenceslas before, but it’s a good one!
I don’t remember the above mentioned parody of “While Shepherds Watched Their Flock By Night”. The parodised version of it I first heard at primary school was:
While shepherds wash their socks by night,
A-watching ITV,
The angel of the Lord came down,
And switched to BBC.
As if they had television when Jesus was born!
You’ve also missed out the chorus to ‘We three kings’
Oh, star of wonder, star of light,
Sit on a box of dynamite.
Light the fuse and off we go,
Around the world to Mexico.
and
Christmas time, mistletoe and crime,
Children singing dirty old rhymes.
Mum’s on the fire, gran’s on the tree,
Dad’s having a pash with the girl from Page Three.
agree with the King Wencelas one apart from a couple of naughty changes
I remember a couple of those too, but with differing lyrics:
Good King Wenceslas last looked out,
from his bedroom window,
Silly b*****d he fell out,
On a red-hot cinder.
Brightly shone his a**e that night,
Though the frost was cruel.
blah, blah, blah (don’t remember the last bit…)
also, we sang the 3 kings slightly differently:
We three kings of Orient are,
One in a taxi, one in a car,
One on a scooter, pipping his hooter,
Smoking a Hamlet Cigar
The version of we 3 kings I knew was:
We three kings of Leicester Square
We sell women’s underwear
So fantastic, no elastic
Only a penny a pair.
We also had a version of hark the herald angels:
Hark the herald angels sing,
Beecham’s pills are just the thing,
One for women, 2 for men,
3 for children under 10,
If you want to go to heaven,
You must eat 5, 6 or 7
If you want to go to hell,
You must eat the box as well,
Hark the herald angels sing
Beecham’s pills are just the thing!
We three Beatles of Liverpool are
John in a taxi, Paul in a car
George on a scooter, tooting his hooter
Following Ringo Starr
The Batman one is not correct, In the 1960’s when the Burt Ward-Adam West series was still on T.V. we used to sing…
Jingle bells,
Batman smells,
Robin’s lost his head
The Batmobile aint got no wheels
And Commissioner Gordon’s dead
I learned this in the 1950s!