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School trips were always fun for several reasons. First, it always seemed like a day off school. Secondly, you sometimes got to go to some interesting places. Thirdly, the coach trip often descended into what can only be described as mayhem! Fun mayhem that is!
The teachers would first try to keep everyone amused by playing something like I-Spy, but we soon all bored of that and somebody would try and liven the journey with a group song. I’m not talking something sensible like Kumbaya though, no, it would be something in the Ten Green Bottles vein to start off with.
The kids would get down to about 4 or 5 bottles remaining on the wall, whereupon one of the teachers wouldn’t be able to take it any more and would request a change of song. That’s when You’ll Never Get To Heaven started up. This was usually sung by having one person leading, and everyone else repeating the lines to start with, then everyone would join in for a recap of the verse. Here’s an example verse:-
In a baked bean tin,
‘cos a baked bean tin’s,
Got baked beans in.
This song could run and run as there were potentially loads of verses. It would start off with all the common ones that everyone knew, then kids would start to make up their own verses, the ruder the better!
Of course the teachers would eventually tire of this song too, but I think they secretly liked listening to it to see what kind of creative their little charges had, otherwise they would have nipped it in the bud before it even got started, wouldn’t they?
Here are some more of the verses I can remember – can you add any?
Oh you’ll never get to heaven, on a boy scouts knee, ‘cos a boy scouts knee, is too knobbly.
Oh you’ll never get to heaven, in a bottle of gin, ‘cos the Lord don’t let, no spirits in.
Oh you’ll never get to heaven, in a playtex bra, ‘cos a playtex bra, won’t stretch that far.
Do you remember this song, and if so, can you add any more verses to it?
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I certainly do remember this song. I think we did a….
“Oh you’ll never get to heaven, in a vintage car, ‘cos a vintage car, can’t drive that far.”
and
“Oh you’ll never get to heaven, with a hole in a boat, ‘cos a hole in a boat, won’t stay afloat.”
My favourite was the bra one though
I also remember sing The Quartermaster’s Stores around the campfire on my school trips to Cuffley Camp. As with the Baked Bean song, the traditional verses were sung then we took it on turns to make up a verse about someone in the group (I was usually mentioned because ‘Mat’ rhymes so easily with ‘fat’ – luckily we were too young to know any of the other rhyming words!!)
I learnt that one at Scouts rather than on school trips. Here’s the verses I remember.
Oh you’ll never get to heaven in Big Ians car
cos Big Ians car won’t drive that far (Big Ian was one of the leaders)
Oh you’ll never get ot heaven in a jumbo jet
cos the lord ain’t built no runways yet
Oh you’ll never get to heaven on a girl guides bra
cos a girl guides bra won’t stretch that far
Oh you’ll never get to heaven in a biscuit tin
cos the lord don’t let no crumby ones in
Oh you’ll never get to heaven if you sing like this
cos you’ll just destroy the heavenly bliss
Oh you’ll never get to heaven so you might as well
just pack your bags and go to hell!
I’d forgotten the Jumbo Jet one, but those last three verses are completely new to me.
I strongly remember “if you ever get to heaven before I do please dig a hole and pull me through” immediately followed by “if I ever get to heaven before you do I’ll dig a hole and wee on you” (or “wave at you” if people didn’t like being weed on)