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You’ll Never Get To Heaven…

Posted by Big Boo on August 6th, 2010

baked bean tinSchool trips were always fun for several reasons. First, it always seemed like a day off school. Secondly, you sometimes got to go to some interesting places. Thirdly, the coach trip often descended into what can only be described as mayhem! Fun mayhem that is!

The teachers would first try to keep everyone amused by playing something like I-Spy, but we soon all bored of that and somebody would try and liven the journey with a group song. I’m not talking something sensible like Kumbaya though, no, it would be something in the Ten Green Bottles vein to start off with.

The kids would get down to about 4 or 5 bottles remaining on the wall, whereupon one of the teachers wouldn’t be able to take it any more and would request a change of song. That’s when You’ll Never Get To Heaven started up. This was usually sung by having one person leading, and everyone else repeating the lines to start with, then everyone would join in for a recap of the verse. Here’s an example verse:-

Oh, you’ll never get to heaven,
In a baked bean tin,
‘cos a baked bean tin’s,
Got baked beans in.

This song could run and run as there were potentially loads of verses. It would start off with all the common ones that everyone knew, then kids would start to make up their own verses, the ruder the better!

Of course the teachers would eventually tire of this song too, but I think they secretly liked listening to it to see what kind of creative their little charges had, otherwise they would have nipped it in the bud before it even got started, wouldn’t they?

Here are some more of the verses I can remember – can you add any?


Oh you’ll never get to heaven, on a boy scouts knee, ‘cos a boy scouts knee, is too knobbly.

Oh you’ll never get to heaven, in a bottle of gin, ‘cos the Lord don’t let, no spirits in.

Oh you’ll never get to heaven, in a playtex bra, ‘cos a playtex bra, won’t stretch that far.

Do you remember this song, and if so, can you add any more verses to it?